Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Girl vs. Boss || episode 2

BOSS: * steps into the office an hour late and has very red, bloodshot eyes*
GIRL: “I see you rinsed your eyes with acid again this morning.”
BOSS: “Shut up.”
GIRL: “Fun night? Your mail’s on your desk, you have three voice messages, and 67 emails. Oh and here’s your coffee.”
BOSS: “That’s more like it, woman. Submit! If you just kept quiet and did ironing and cleaning and stuff, you could live a content life.”
GIRL: “I plan on living a content life that is not based on doing what you tell me to do.”
BOSS: “You have way too many aspirations for a woman. You should be realistic.”
GIRL: “Well then, what do YOU think my aspirations should be?”
BOSS: “Work for me for the rest of your life.”
GIRL: “I’m moving overseas.”
BOSS: “Why would you want to do that?!”
GIRL: “To get away from you.”
BOSS: “You’re kidding, right?”
GIRL: “Nope. You’re a bit of a bastard actually.”
BOSS: “That’s a bit harsh.... I probably deserve it though.”
GIRL: “Trust me, you do deserve it.”
BOSS: “Shit.”
GIRL: *thinks to herself... holy crap, why did I just say that??!! Suddenly I feel like I actually have to move away now! WHY DO I SAY THINGS WITHOUT THINKING??!!*

Monday, 18 April 2011

My Boss, My Ex.

GIRL: "Who was the complete idiot who looked after this account last year?"
BOSS: "Me."
GIRL: *giggles a little bit because she knows it annoys him*
BOSS: * throws two pairs of scissors at her because he knows it annoys her*
GIRL: * picks up boss’s favourite letter-opener and throws out window*
BOSS: *squirts muscle cream into girls’ coffee*
GIRL: *sighs* "I'm going to be the mature one and end this battle by refusing to fight back."
BOSS: "I knew I would win. You need to learn to be submissive, woman."
GIRL: *silently plots revenge*

 There really is nothing quite like working for your ex.

Thursday, 7 April 2011

Being Stuck In An Elevator.... Terror

On Wednesday night I completely innocently entered a lift...a lift that jolted it's way from the fourth floor, all the way down to ground level... It was utterly terrifying! It's the kind of thing that creepy movies are made of. Once the lift had settled onto the ground floor, I pushed the OPEN button over and over and over again. It refused to even move. By this point I was almost tearing my hair out in panic! I began to recall every horror movie I've seen that involves a lift, I DO NOT recommended doing this. While thinking about this, a faint buzzing sound began to emanate from above me. I soon found myself huddled in the corner in the fetal position, my eyes wide and shifty, my hands shaking. It was at that point that I noticed a little screen high up on the wall. In my irrational state, with blurred eyes, I saw the screen flicker. Then slowly a cloud of static began to torment my vision. The screen flickered again and the static disappeared, revealing a white face. I stood up to look a little closer. The face was hideous. It was a white painted mask, with swirling twirling red circles on the apples of it's cheeks. It's eyes were dark-rimmed, red, sunken, circles of death. It's jaw hung open like a mechanical freak. I started to cry. Just small, quiet cries. I was too scared to sob uncontrollably, although I wanted to more than anything else. Suddenly, a deafening noise frightened me into silence..... 

"Time to play a game Lydia!
You will be thankful for all the great things in your life from this day on...
...If you survive, that is. Mwa ha ha ha...
Let's start round one shall we? 
You see the trap door above you? You have to go through it.... if you want any chance of surviving.
You have three minutes to find the key for the trap door and climb out where your next task awaits you.
If you don't complete this in time, you will be dropped.... ten thousand million metres... with eleven hundred poisonous snakes... and screws winding into your skull... and bear traps on your feet... and your hands in buckets of used needles... and hooks in your eyeballs....fifty hooks...and fire...lots of fire!

The key is somewhere in your body. I will give you a clue... It is somewhere between your mandible and your  calcaneus... 

There is a twenty-cent coin on the floor. Get to work. Your time starts NOW!"

I think it was at that point that I passed out.

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

Why did I forget my work records book today?
Why did I dream about Taco Bell last night?
Why did I decide to dye my hair very late last night?
Why did my coffee have literal dirt in it this morning?
Why did I terrify myself by watching a horrifically scary movie very early this morning?
Why does my car sometimes make dying noises?
Why do I offer people free haircuts?
These are such deep and relevant questions.
I am in a ponderous mood.

Sunday, 3 April 2011


"Smile, honey. Smile!"
I smile, and it's fake.
You don't notice my,
Fingers start to shake.

You take more photos,
To capture my life;
The last one catches
The glint of a knife.


"That last one was bad,
Lift your head to the light."
I hold back my rage
With all my might.

Naked, under the lamps,
My sweat begins to run.
With just one erroneous move,
My life could be done.


"Baby," I say, "It's time,
Just hold me tight."
You come closer;
You enter the light.

Your hands grab me,
But mine are quicker.
I stare with glee,
As your eyes flicker.


You're still now and
I caress your face.
My cold heart beats,
At a thrilling new pace.

I gently pull your face to mine,
The crimson pools like a sea,
For one final photo of
Dead you, and me.